dirk5
18-03-2010, 19:47
Whether we want to admit it or not, excuses are as much a part of mixed martial arts as Tapout tees and fist-pose photographs. They have to be. In a world where you must talk yourself into believing that you’re either the baddest man in your weight class or else on your way to becoming it, a loss is something you have to find some way to reconcile, or else have your identity destroyed. That other dude couldn’t have won just because he was the better fighter. No, surely there’s a reason for this temporary setback, and chances are it’s very detailed and probably a little bit ridiculous.
In honor of the post-defeat excuse in MMA, we give you ten of the worst and weirdest attempts to explain away an ass-kicking. They aren’t necessarily untrue (though some are demonstrably untrue), but neither can they turn that L into a W. The best you can hope for is that they make sleeping at night just a little easier for the people who uttered them.
10. Mark Coleman couldn’t afford a proper training camp
(Don't forget those elbows to the back of the head, either.)
Who beat him: Mauricio “Shogun” Rua
When: UFC 93, 1/17/09
Why: When Mark Coleman gassed out like a car owned by Mark Coleman against “Shogun” Rua in his return to the UFC, we initially assumed it was a sign of age. The man was forty-four years old, after all, which for some guys is the age where a strenuous day of yard work can land them in bed for a week. But Coleman cited a different reason after the fight, saying, "I didn't have any money for a training camp before this fight. Those things cost money and I just couldn't afford it."
Why it’s plausible: Coleman is notoriously and permanently broke. Also, you saw how bad he looked in that fight, right?
Why it isn’t: Whether he could afford Randy Couture’s customized diet and trampoline gyms or not, Coleman knew he was headed into a pro fight and it was his responsibility to prepare. Plenty of broke fighters working side jobs at Jiffy Lube manage to get in shape, and without the promise of a big payday. It shouldn’t be so much to ask for a UFC Hall of Famer to do the same.
9. Quinton Jackson was poisoned by the Japanese
Who beat him: Kazushi Sakuraba
When: PRIDE 15, 7/29/01
Why: After building a name for himself in King of the Cage and Gladiator Challenge, Quinton Jackson was invited to make his PRIDE debut against Japanese superstar Kazushi Sakuraba. Rampage put on an entertaining show — and nearly tossed Sakuraba out of the ring at one point — but eventually succumbed to a rear-naked choke. Discussing the bout six years later, Quinton suggested that the odds may have been unfairly stacked against him: “I remember my stomach feeling like I swallowed a brick. I still, to this day, think that somebody poisoned my room service or something like that. I was happy that it was my biggest paycheck to date, but I know they brought me there to lose. They made me lose all this weight when PRIDE didn’t even have weight classes. I knew there was no way I could win. But I knew I couldn’t turn back and not fight."
Why it's plausible: PRIDE had a notoriously shady reputation, with rumors of fight-fixing popping up over the years. Sakuraba was the league's hero, and the promoters certainly wanted him to defeat the large, scary-looking gaijin with the chain around his neck. Maybe they did take measures to tilt things in Saku's favor.
Why it's not: "Poisoning" is a heavy accusation to throw around when Jackson's loss could be explained in so many other ways. That brick in his stomach could have been nerves. (Going from regional shows in the States to the Saitama Super Arena will do that to a person.) He could have been jet-lagged. Maybe the room-service staff was simply unfamiliar with the preparation of pig's feet. Or maybe he just got handled by one of the greatest grapplers to ever play the game.
8. Wes Sims was fighting two people in the cage that night
Who beat him: Bobby Lashley
When: Strikeforce – Miami, 1/30/10
Why: It may have been no surprise to fans or oddsmakers that Lashley ran through Sims like he was just a white Bob Sapp, but what we didn’t know until after the fight was that some illegal tactics were to blame. Sims insisted that Lashley’s thumb to the throat was the difference-maker in the fight and, when coupled with the ref’s supreme incompetence, caused the unjustified loss. When confronted with that accusation later on, even Lashley had to admit it was pretty funny stuff.
Why it’s plausible: The ref did warn Lashley about the thumb to the throat, and Sims probably could have continued taking a beating if he had to.
Why it isn’t: Sims wasn’t prepared for this fight and offered no offense of his own. A thumb to his throat may have been annoying, but it's not like it halted what was sure to be a fight-ending attack on his part. Take the money and go home, Wes.
7. Tito Ortiz had a cracked skull
Who beat him: Forrest Griffin
When: UFC 106, 11/21/09
Why: To hear Ortiz tell it, he’s pretty much never gone into a fight without an existing injury that ranges somewhere between debilitating and downright life-threatening. In his return to the UFC after a back surgery that was supposed to have fixed him up as good as new, he lost a close decision against Griffin, only to reveal that he’d had a “cracked skull” going into the fight.
Why it’s plausible: He did have a really bad black eye before the fight, and his head has its own gravitational pull, so objects are very likely to collide with it.
Why it isn’t: Not only was there no mention of this cracked skull in the post-fight medical suspensions released by the NSAC, but it’s hard to imagine them licensing a fighter who’s skull is suffering from structural integrity issues.
6. Karo Parisyan was too talented to train, bro
Who beat him: Thiago Alves
When: UFC Fight Night 13, 4/2/08
Why: Though he always struggled to finish fights, Karo Parisyan was widely considered to be a top-10 welterweight leading up to his showdown with Thiago Alves, and had already notched decision wins over Nick Diaz, Chris Lytle, Matt Serra, and Ryo Chonan, among others. But the Pitbull's striking was just too good that night in Broomfield. Shortly into round two, Alves floored Parisyan with a knee to the face, and piled on punches until Steve Mazzagatti pulled him off (perhaps a little prematurely). Parisyan was pissed at the outcome, but understood what he had to do differently in the future: "My worst enemy has always been that I've been too talented to train, and now it’s catching up with me. I gotta start training or those guys will start catching up with me.”
Why it’s plausible: For the record, this is an idiotic excuse. But that doesn't mean Karo Parisyan didn't believe it. Not only was he incredibly talented as a judo practitioner, he was conceited enough to believe that he could rely on talent alone. Anybody who can deliver the line "Do you know who I am?" with a straight face might be susceptible to hubris.
Why it isn’t: Are we really supposed to believe that a guy who went 9-2 in the UFC didn't train? Like, at all? Later we found out that Karo had been dealing with anxiety attacks and a growing dependence on painkillers; indifference towards training was the least of his problems. But when you're a proud Armenian, it's easier to just tell people you lost because you're too awesome.
In honor of the post-defeat excuse in MMA, we give you ten of the worst and weirdest attempts to explain away an ass-kicking. They aren’t necessarily untrue (though some are demonstrably untrue), but neither can they turn that L into a W. The best you can hope for is that they make sleeping at night just a little easier for the people who uttered them.
10. Mark Coleman couldn’t afford a proper training camp
(Don't forget those elbows to the back of the head, either.)
Who beat him: Mauricio “Shogun” Rua
When: UFC 93, 1/17/09
Why: When Mark Coleman gassed out like a car owned by Mark Coleman against “Shogun” Rua in his return to the UFC, we initially assumed it was a sign of age. The man was forty-four years old, after all, which for some guys is the age where a strenuous day of yard work can land them in bed for a week. But Coleman cited a different reason after the fight, saying, "I didn't have any money for a training camp before this fight. Those things cost money and I just couldn't afford it."
Why it’s plausible: Coleman is notoriously and permanently broke. Also, you saw how bad he looked in that fight, right?
Why it isn’t: Whether he could afford Randy Couture’s customized diet and trampoline gyms or not, Coleman knew he was headed into a pro fight and it was his responsibility to prepare. Plenty of broke fighters working side jobs at Jiffy Lube manage to get in shape, and without the promise of a big payday. It shouldn’t be so much to ask for a UFC Hall of Famer to do the same.
9. Quinton Jackson was poisoned by the Japanese
Who beat him: Kazushi Sakuraba
When: PRIDE 15, 7/29/01
Why: After building a name for himself in King of the Cage and Gladiator Challenge, Quinton Jackson was invited to make his PRIDE debut against Japanese superstar Kazushi Sakuraba. Rampage put on an entertaining show — and nearly tossed Sakuraba out of the ring at one point — but eventually succumbed to a rear-naked choke. Discussing the bout six years later, Quinton suggested that the odds may have been unfairly stacked against him: “I remember my stomach feeling like I swallowed a brick. I still, to this day, think that somebody poisoned my room service or something like that. I was happy that it was my biggest paycheck to date, but I know they brought me there to lose. They made me lose all this weight when PRIDE didn’t even have weight classes. I knew there was no way I could win. But I knew I couldn’t turn back and not fight."
Why it's plausible: PRIDE had a notoriously shady reputation, with rumors of fight-fixing popping up over the years. Sakuraba was the league's hero, and the promoters certainly wanted him to defeat the large, scary-looking gaijin with the chain around his neck. Maybe they did take measures to tilt things in Saku's favor.
Why it's not: "Poisoning" is a heavy accusation to throw around when Jackson's loss could be explained in so many other ways. That brick in his stomach could have been nerves. (Going from regional shows in the States to the Saitama Super Arena will do that to a person.) He could have been jet-lagged. Maybe the room-service staff was simply unfamiliar with the preparation of pig's feet. Or maybe he just got handled by one of the greatest grapplers to ever play the game.
8. Wes Sims was fighting two people in the cage that night
Who beat him: Bobby Lashley
When: Strikeforce – Miami, 1/30/10
Why: It may have been no surprise to fans or oddsmakers that Lashley ran through Sims like he was just a white Bob Sapp, but what we didn’t know until after the fight was that some illegal tactics were to blame. Sims insisted that Lashley’s thumb to the throat was the difference-maker in the fight and, when coupled with the ref’s supreme incompetence, caused the unjustified loss. When confronted with that accusation later on, even Lashley had to admit it was pretty funny stuff.
Why it’s plausible: The ref did warn Lashley about the thumb to the throat, and Sims probably could have continued taking a beating if he had to.
Why it isn’t: Sims wasn’t prepared for this fight and offered no offense of his own. A thumb to his throat may have been annoying, but it's not like it halted what was sure to be a fight-ending attack on his part. Take the money and go home, Wes.
7. Tito Ortiz had a cracked skull
Who beat him: Forrest Griffin
When: UFC 106, 11/21/09
Why: To hear Ortiz tell it, he’s pretty much never gone into a fight without an existing injury that ranges somewhere between debilitating and downright life-threatening. In his return to the UFC after a back surgery that was supposed to have fixed him up as good as new, he lost a close decision against Griffin, only to reveal that he’d had a “cracked skull” going into the fight.
Why it’s plausible: He did have a really bad black eye before the fight, and his head has its own gravitational pull, so objects are very likely to collide with it.
Why it isn’t: Not only was there no mention of this cracked skull in the post-fight medical suspensions released by the NSAC, but it’s hard to imagine them licensing a fighter who’s skull is suffering from structural integrity issues.
6. Karo Parisyan was too talented to train, bro
Who beat him: Thiago Alves
When: UFC Fight Night 13, 4/2/08
Why: Though he always struggled to finish fights, Karo Parisyan was widely considered to be a top-10 welterweight leading up to his showdown with Thiago Alves, and had already notched decision wins over Nick Diaz, Chris Lytle, Matt Serra, and Ryo Chonan, among others. But the Pitbull's striking was just too good that night in Broomfield. Shortly into round two, Alves floored Parisyan with a knee to the face, and piled on punches until Steve Mazzagatti pulled him off (perhaps a little prematurely). Parisyan was pissed at the outcome, but understood what he had to do differently in the future: "My worst enemy has always been that I've been too talented to train, and now it’s catching up with me. I gotta start training or those guys will start catching up with me.”
Why it’s plausible: For the record, this is an idiotic excuse. But that doesn't mean Karo Parisyan didn't believe it. Not only was he incredibly talented as a judo practitioner, he was conceited enough to believe that he could rely on talent alone. Anybody who can deliver the line "Do you know who I am?" with a straight face might be susceptible to hubris.
Why it isn’t: Are we really supposed to believe that a guy who went 9-2 in the UFC didn't train? Like, at all? Later we found out that Karo had been dealing with anxiety attacks and a growing dependence on painkillers; indifference towards training was the least of his problems. But when you're a proud Armenian, it's easier to just tell people you lost because you're too awesome.