Mule-Kick
31-07-2009, 09:21
Vond dit artikel op cracked.com en heb dubbel gelegen. Enjoy!
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-01.jpgIn MMA, a knockout can come in many forms, but the most spectacular are ragdoll knockouts. Ragdoll physics were invented in the 90s so serial killers could masturbate to video games. It's a system of flopping that allows bodies to dramatically flail even after they are rendered dead by a Vuurpijltje or traffic accident.
For a real life example, here is Tank Abbot's knockout of Steve Nelmark from The Ultimate Ultimate '96. Before the creation of ragdoll physics, Steve's limbs, head and torso would have all been going in similar directions. With the help of modern science, that hasn't happened here. Let's take a look at some others!
#9.
Lyoto Machida vs. Rashad Evans
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-03.jpgUFC 98 - The Talkative Ragdoll
When you grow up doing karate, you learn awesome and impossible things. Like how to cross your arms perfectly to catch incoming punches, or how to levitate out of the way of multiple nunchuck attacks. I can't even type about the advanced stuff because I can't trust you with it. I'm serious, my kung fu sensei once taught the heart exploding touch to someone and they died microwaving a burrito. But that guy'd been training for over two years. When non-grand masters try these techniques, they realize that Face Punch Speed beats Wax Off Speed almost every time. And it really only has to win once or twice.
Well, Lyoto Machida took all those crazy secrets of the Orient and found a way to make them work. He fights like we thought people fought before MMA existed. Rashad Evans looked like an extra in a Steven Segal movie while he spent eight minutes unable to hit him. Which might be why Rashad decided to stop letting his fists do the talking.
While utilizing his face to absorb karate, Rashad Evans drunkenly explained to Lyoto that he hits like a little bitch. Which is a pretty ironic thing to say right before a guy shuts down your entire nervous system.
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Guard our face."
Rashad Evans: "You... ouch... can't hurt me!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "The guy barely even speaks English, stop playing mind games with his hands."
Rashad Evans: "Ow! You hit like a bitch!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Alright, fuck you. I'm not staying awake for this."
Rashad Evans's Legs: "Hey, we're falling this direction!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Oh, don't you start with me too. You do what you want, but I'm going this way!"
#8.
Mirko Cro Cop vs. Igor Vovchanchyn
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-02.jpgPride Total Elimination 2003 - The Classic Ragdoll
Mirko Cro Cop is a martial artist, part of the Croatian Parliament and a member of a special forces anti-terrorist unit. Also, after kicking 25 brave human heads into low orbit, he is personally considered Croatia's only space program. (He is for ages 10 and up, Aqua Battlebike sold seperately.)
Mirko Cro Cop is shining example of what can happen when lunatic Eastern European gods mistake G.I. Joe cartoons as instruction manuals. Igor Vovchanchyn has a much different origin story. He was created by Cold War scientists trying to cross breed man and industrial equipment. Before the collapse of the Soviet Union, Vovchanchyn was to be used for blast mining and digging train tunnels.
They were scheduled to fight at Pride Total Elimination 2003, an event that took its name from the likely elimination of all life in a perfect one-mile impact crater around them. For 90 seconds, they circled each other, Igor's right hand and Cro Cop's left foot each acting out the plot to Armageddon. Only in Cro Cop's version, Bruce Willis loses. He finished charging his super move first, and his foot dropped a meteor the size of Texas on Vovchanchyn's neck.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voILtDQjfrc)
#7.
Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Mirko Cro Cop
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-04.jpgUFC 70 - The Glitched Ragdoll
A Japanese reporter once asked Cro Cop how many PSI he had in his kick. What's crazier than the question is that Cro Cop had an answer. "If it is right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery." Ladies, Cro Cop is so tough that when he fucks you, you grow chest hair on your uterus, right before you explode.
Gabriel Gonzaga is an actual Australopithecus, released from an ancient frozen cave by quickly-eaten explorers. This fight was an anthropologist's dream--could modern kickboxing techniques stand up to the savage combat instincts of early man? Well you win, Mother Nature, you bitch. It wasn't even close. Cro Cop was manhandled, and then his own weapon was used against him: a nuclear kickblast to the head.
Cro Cop toppled all over himself, ragdolling so hard that his foot was on backwards when he landed. Croatia's space program was now an unconscious heap of wrongly-inserted Mr. Potato Head parts. It almost didn't make the list because if you were programming a ragdoll physics engine that made something this fucked up, you'd probably be fired.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHbsz_hpv1I)
#6.
Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisbing
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-05.jpgUFC 100 - The Ragdoll Landing Zone
Going into UFC 100, Michael "The Count" Bisbing had managed to build up a full steam of douchebaggery with his pre-fight comments and dick behavior on The Ultimate Fighter reality show. The crowd was definitely not on his side.
Luckily, if this hurt Bisbing's feelings, Henderson hit him hard enough in the second round that he got to walk through a tunnel and talk to Jesus personally about it. Dan's right hand dropped him like a cartoon. He hit him so hard that even gravity got scared. Bisbing hung in mid-air for a moment while gravity screamed at inertia, "Did you see that shit!?" Then, after a high five, the two universal forces quit screwing around and yanked Bisbing's limp body into the floor.
Henderson wasn't done dominating Bisbing and gravity, though. After the man-shaped sack of bangers and mash landed, Dan flew into the air and came down on Bisbing's head with Fistos, the forbidden punch of legend. Henderson went fully horizontal with both feet in the air like some kind of maniac skydiver. If you were the greatest warrior that ever lived, came across a sleeping enemy and had six hours to plan one ultimate punch, this is the punch you would throw.
#5.
Brad Kohler vs. Steve Judson
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-06.jpgUFC 22 - It's Ragdollin' Time
Brad Kohler had so many muscles that he was more thumb than man. And when he took a big step and wound up for a double splash page Thing vs. Hulk haymaker punch, everyone in the entire world saw it coming except poor Steve Judson. This punch was such a force of nature that local wildlife left the area the night before. The fact that Steve Judson woke up later, not dead, means that he will spend the rest of his life being hunted by military researchers wanting to harvest him for tank parts.
#4.
Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Francisco Bueno
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-07.jpgPRIDE 8 - The Air Juggle
Igor Vovchanchyn is known as a counter fighter, which means he waits for you to do something, then punches your skull until the memories of your ancestors die. Francisco Bueno knew this, so his gameplan was to run away and not do anything, ever.
It didn't work. About 80 seconds into the first round, Igor got impatient and figured he'd just throw a couple punches to get things going. What happened next is considered the worst atrocity in history by face activists.
Both punches knock out Francisco Bueno, ending the fight. At least in a practical sense. But legally, the fight isn't over until the referee stops it or the evil has left Igor's fists. And as Francisco is falling lifelessly to the mat, neither of those things has happened yet.
While his unconscious body plummets, Francisco somehow picks an entirely new fight with Igor, and loses this one just as badly. Igor slams in two more punches to Francisco's falling head with such amazing precision that it can't be blood-drunk rage. I think he's just politely trying to wake him up before he hits. Or maybe it's considered good manners in the Ukraine to remove the head from a corpse after you're done with it.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfFFIF1IcJ4)
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-01.jpgIn MMA, a knockout can come in many forms, but the most spectacular are ragdoll knockouts. Ragdoll physics were invented in the 90s so serial killers could masturbate to video games. It's a system of flopping that allows bodies to dramatically flail even after they are rendered dead by a Vuurpijltje or traffic accident.
For a real life example, here is Tank Abbot's knockout of Steve Nelmark from The Ultimate Ultimate '96. Before the creation of ragdoll physics, Steve's limbs, head and torso would have all been going in similar directions. With the help of modern science, that hasn't happened here. Let's take a look at some others!
#9.
Lyoto Machida vs. Rashad Evans
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-03.jpgUFC 98 - The Talkative Ragdoll
When you grow up doing karate, you learn awesome and impossible things. Like how to cross your arms perfectly to catch incoming punches, or how to levitate out of the way of multiple nunchuck attacks. I can't even type about the advanced stuff because I can't trust you with it. I'm serious, my kung fu sensei once taught the heart exploding touch to someone and they died microwaving a burrito. But that guy'd been training for over two years. When non-grand masters try these techniques, they realize that Face Punch Speed beats Wax Off Speed almost every time. And it really only has to win once or twice.
Well, Lyoto Machida took all those crazy secrets of the Orient and found a way to make them work. He fights like we thought people fought before MMA existed. Rashad Evans looked like an extra in a Steven Segal movie while he spent eight minutes unable to hit him. Which might be why Rashad decided to stop letting his fists do the talking.
While utilizing his face to absorb karate, Rashad Evans drunkenly explained to Lyoto that he hits like a little bitch. Which is a pretty ironic thing to say right before a guy shuts down your entire nervous system.
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Guard our face."
Rashad Evans: "You... ouch... can't hurt me!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "The guy barely even speaks English, stop playing mind games with his hands."
Rashad Evans: "Ow! You hit like a bitch!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Alright, fuck you. I'm not staying awake for this."
Rashad Evans's Legs: "Hey, we're falling this direction!"
Rashad Evans's Brain: "Oh, don't you start with me too. You do what you want, but I'm going this way!"
#8.
Mirko Cro Cop vs. Igor Vovchanchyn
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-02.jpgPride Total Elimination 2003 - The Classic Ragdoll
Mirko Cro Cop is a martial artist, part of the Croatian Parliament and a member of a special forces anti-terrorist unit. Also, after kicking 25 brave human heads into low orbit, he is personally considered Croatia's only space program. (He is for ages 10 and up, Aqua Battlebike sold seperately.)
Mirko Cro Cop is shining example of what can happen when lunatic Eastern European gods mistake G.I. Joe cartoons as instruction manuals. Igor Vovchanchyn has a much different origin story. He was created by Cold War scientists trying to cross breed man and industrial equipment. Before the collapse of the Soviet Union, Vovchanchyn was to be used for blast mining and digging train tunnels.
They were scheduled to fight at Pride Total Elimination 2003, an event that took its name from the likely elimination of all life in a perfect one-mile impact crater around them. For 90 seconds, they circled each other, Igor's right hand and Cro Cop's left foot each acting out the plot to Armageddon. Only in Cro Cop's version, Bruce Willis loses. He finished charging his super move first, and his foot dropped a meteor the size of Texas on Vovchanchyn's neck.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voILtDQjfrc)
#7.
Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Mirko Cro Cop
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-04.jpgUFC 70 - The Glitched Ragdoll
A Japanese reporter once asked Cro Cop how many PSI he had in his kick. What's crazier than the question is that Cro Cop had an answer. "If it is right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery." Ladies, Cro Cop is so tough that when he fucks you, you grow chest hair on your uterus, right before you explode.
Gabriel Gonzaga is an actual Australopithecus, released from an ancient frozen cave by quickly-eaten explorers. This fight was an anthropologist's dream--could modern kickboxing techniques stand up to the savage combat instincts of early man? Well you win, Mother Nature, you bitch. It wasn't even close. Cro Cop was manhandled, and then his own weapon was used against him: a nuclear kickblast to the head.
Cro Cop toppled all over himself, ragdolling so hard that his foot was on backwards when he landed. Croatia's space program was now an unconscious heap of wrongly-inserted Mr. Potato Head parts. It almost didn't make the list because if you were programming a ragdoll physics engine that made something this fucked up, you'd probably be fired.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHbsz_hpv1I)
#6.
Dan Henderson vs. Michael Bisbing
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-05.jpgUFC 100 - The Ragdoll Landing Zone
Going into UFC 100, Michael "The Count" Bisbing had managed to build up a full steam of douchebaggery with his pre-fight comments and dick behavior on The Ultimate Fighter reality show. The crowd was definitely not on his side.
Luckily, if this hurt Bisbing's feelings, Henderson hit him hard enough in the second round that he got to walk through a tunnel and talk to Jesus personally about it. Dan's right hand dropped him like a cartoon. He hit him so hard that even gravity got scared. Bisbing hung in mid-air for a moment while gravity screamed at inertia, "Did you see that shit!?" Then, after a high five, the two universal forces quit screwing around and yanked Bisbing's limp body into the floor.
Henderson wasn't done dominating Bisbing and gravity, though. After the man-shaped sack of bangers and mash landed, Dan flew into the air and came down on Bisbing's head with Fistos, the forbidden punch of legend. Henderson went fully horizontal with both feet in the air like some kind of maniac skydiver. If you were the greatest warrior that ever lived, came across a sleeping enemy and had six hours to plan one ultimate punch, this is the punch you would throw.
#5.
Brad Kohler vs. Steve Judson
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-06.jpgUFC 22 - It's Ragdollin' Time
Brad Kohler had so many muscles that he was more thumb than man. And when he took a big step and wound up for a double splash page Thing vs. Hulk haymaker punch, everyone in the entire world saw it coming except poor Steve Judson. This punch was such a force of nature that local wildlife left the area the night before. The fact that Steve Judson woke up later, not dead, means that he will spend the rest of his life being hunted by military researchers wanting to harvest him for tank parts.
#4.
Igor Vovchanchyn vs. Francisco Bueno
http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/sb17-07.jpgPRIDE 8 - The Air Juggle
Igor Vovchanchyn is known as a counter fighter, which means he waits for you to do something, then punches your skull until the memories of your ancestors die. Francisco Bueno knew this, so his gameplan was to run away and not do anything, ever.
It didn't work. About 80 seconds into the first round, Igor got impatient and figured he'd just throw a couple punches to get things going. What happened next is considered the worst atrocity in history by face activists.
Both punches knock out Francisco Bueno, ending the fight. At least in a practical sense. But legally, the fight isn't over until the referee stops it or the evil has left Igor's fists. And as Francisco is falling lifelessly to the mat, neither of those things has happened yet.
While his unconscious body plummets, Francisco somehow picks an entirely new fight with Igor, and loses this one just as badly. Igor slams in two more punches to Francisco's falling head with such amazing precision that it can't be blood-drunk rage. I think he's just politely trying to wake him up before he hits. Or maybe it's considered good manners in the Ukraine to remove the head from a corpse after you're done with it.
Watch the Fight Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfFFIF1IcJ4)