Text from last night

[dimitri]

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

(604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

(410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
(301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

(757): You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

(863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

(516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
(443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

(207): It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...

(614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

(253): is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

(714): thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

(212): i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

(954): Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.


En nog meer leuks op http://textsfromlastnight.com (http://textsfromlastnight.com/worst-nights/27)

[chief108]

I LOL'd hard dude... :lol:

zitten echt hilarische stukje tussen

[___RZA___]

Hahaha, geniaal...

[Robert]

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

[el bastardo]

LOL

[renamer]

godverdomme zeg.. ik zit die shit al 3 uur te lezen.. en mijn sigaretten zijn op.. en ik moet sigs gaan halen of er gaan hier doden vallen..


motherfuckers!

[Lennie]

410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

(949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

(469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

(631): New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

(301): My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"

(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

[A.F.]

lol...

[guess2007]

Werkelijk geniale qoutes bij, ik blijf lezen.....


(405): so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

[A.F.]

(717): i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

(763): i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

917): I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.\

(845): Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier

[chief108]

(804): im drinking this country out of the recession.

:beerchug:

[A.F.]

(403): you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

(315): That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

(630): According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"

(919): Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

[chief108]

(630): According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"

Chris Rocks says:
If a woman has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick.

If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick.

[A.F.]

(609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
(1-609): and?
(609): RIP clitoris

[CannieY]

\
519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

hahahaha ik kom niet meer bij, echt hilarisch dit ik blijf ook lezen

[renamer]

hoppake... weer 2 uur naar de klote

[A.F.]

nog 378 paginas te gaan .. hahahaha :)

[Lennie]

(256): I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.


(424): Do u kno any dealers?
(1-424): I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

(978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

(706): Did we have sex last night?
(1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..




:P

[chief108]

blijft fantastisch...

wat een dingen staan er tussen :p

best find of the week!!!

[Pimp-Daddy]

(214): The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.


:pimp:

[Jeru]

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..


Hahaha nasty!! :lol:

[Lennie]

hahaha er zijn weer een paar nieuwe bij gekomen:

(402): I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

(571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
(703): this can't be going anywhere good
(571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

(651): if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

(843): got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

(636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick

(978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
(1-978): this is your brother

(251): just found the deal breaker
(1-251): hairy back?
(251): he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

(860): He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth

(425): he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

(404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

(516): she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
(917): I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

(356): her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..

(718): he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

(509): she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.

(786): my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao

(410): she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.

(817): Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

(949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

(724): I found out she cheated on me b4 she knew I knew so the very last time we had sex I "accidently" stuck it in her ass and moaned her bestfriends name when I came. ;)

(262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

Waarom is er geen nederlandse site voor?

[Mickey]

Deze website lijkt er wel wat op.. FML: Your everyday life stories (http://www.fmylife.com/)

Today, I received my passport in the mail. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18551) They got my birthdate wrong. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18551) Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18551) Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18551) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/18551)


Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/153070) I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/153070) My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/153070) She thought it was my phone. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/153070) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/153070)


Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/163888) I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/163888) I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/163888) She can't drive, our mom drove her there. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/163888) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/163888)


Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600) I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600). (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600). (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600) my electric toothbrush in her hand. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/21600)


Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/100088) I ate alone. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/100088) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/love/100088)


Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/88381) I'm confined to a wheelchair. (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/88381) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/intimacy/88381)


Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/11340) When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/11340) My name's not Brittany. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/11340) That's his sister. (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/11340) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/11340)


Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". (http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321) I asked her who Edward was. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321) She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321) She was talking about a fictional vampire. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/love/9321)

[Mickey]

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

LMAO! Koffie uit mn neus

[micha]

lol

[chief108]

blijft sterk...

thnx voor de kick...