The ducks in the bathroom are not mine

[Fr3ddy]

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

[chief108]

hahaha....

mag dat wel
reps voor David Thorne

[De man van 14K]

roflol!

[thrillseekah]

lol vet

[chief108]

die gast houdt er wel van om mensen lekker te fucken via de mail...

I wrote a stupid post about the television host 'Rove' and his dead girlfriend. Basically I asked why no-one mentions his dead girlfriend. I also stated that I thought she got off easy - "not tonight dear, I have cancer".

Of all the messages I recieved proclaiming me to be a prick for making statements about his dead girlfriend, Dick's were the most entertaining for me as he just kept going.

From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 7.42pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Rove

Fuck you retard wydont you shut up! he dident ask for his gilrfriend to die so use your brain to work out how you would feel and just fucken shutup!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 Nov 2007 8.04pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Rove

Thankyou for your recommendation Dick, I am currently writing a television script that I think you would be perfect for, it features a genius of superior wit and intellect who uses his uncanny abilities to protect the innocent. Aided by his loyal pet, masturbating monkey, he endeavors to right wrongs and solve crimes. At the end of each episode he will leave us with a profound, thought provoking and politically correct statement such as "don't leave your pet in the car with the windows up" or "fuck you retard wydont you shut up". An important part of the character development as I see it, would be the developing relationship between yourself and masturbating monkey. The show will be titled 'Monkey Dick' (a combination of private dick and the pet monkey, similar to 'canine cop') and I do hope you will make yourself available for this opportunity.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 8.17pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Rove

Fuck you coksucker you should be ashamed of what you wrote that was wrong ad you know it How wud you feel if you were rove? why dont you fuck off.


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 8.42pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Rove

You're correct Dick, my statements were uncalled for and unquantifiable in any manner. I apologise without reserve and ask for nothing but your understanding. I hope, in time, you can come to forgive me for such contemptible statements. If I could retract my statements I would but I do not have a time machine. I wish that I did have a time machine, I would take my Macbook Pro back to 1984 and visit Steve Jobs. After selling my laptop to him for millions I would return to the present. I could do this several times as each time the present technologies would have changed. It is a flawless plan, I am sure you will agree, lacking only the availability of time/dimension manipulation technologies.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

That didnt even make any sense. why dont you stop wasting your time and get a girlfriend!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008.06pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rove

Thankyou for the excellent suggestion Dick, I contacted your wife and we are now seeing eachother.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.17pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: fuck off

youve obviously got no firends!


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 6 May 2008 9.28pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: fuck off

You got me Dick. You are correct, I have no friends. I am lonely and sad. I am currently sitting in a cave by myself, sustaining myself on beetles, powering my laptop by an ingenious array of pulleys and flywheels constructed from small lizards and tree sap from the local flora. I came here to escape my family, friends, industry associates, acquaintances and the lady next door who was spying on me, in the hope of completing my novel titled "why are there so many dickheads messaging me?" I have made the dedication out to you Dick and will endeavor to send you a copy once it goes to print.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 10.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: fuck off

Your a moron muthufuka!!!!


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 11.52am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Well done Dick, that sentence included a word containing more than three syllables - I am assuming muthafucka to be one word in your dimension. As I mentioned, I am currently writing a novel and would be honored if you would concede to being the editor. I realise that you must be in great demand, with a long list of literary achievements and I am less than worthy of your mastery in this area, but an opportunity such as this could simply not be passed by. I will attach the manuscript and look forward to your positive response.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

youve got mental problems wanker and dont call me dick. your the dickhead!


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.44pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Dear Dr Dick,
Thankyou for that in-depth psychoanalysis which is so accurate as to be uncanny. As your professional diagnosis has clearly outlined, I do indeed have mental problems. It is a degenerative disease that causes a small part of my brain to die every time I recieve a message from the kind of person that collects star trek dvds and listens to Jimmy Barnes (yes, I read your profile). Little more can be done except to write a letter to your university, in particular your psychology and psychiatry lecturers, congratulating them on producing such an amazing pool of talent.
Best, David



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

fuck you whats wrong with Star Trek? your a wanker


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 7 May 2008 3.19pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: fuck off

Nothing is wrong with Star Trek Dick, I enjoy science theory myself and some of the episodes were not completely embarrassing. I was tempted to write something derogatory and perhaps even draw attention to the fact that the only time in any of your emails you have used correct spelling, grammer, punctuation or capitalisation is when your wrote the name 'Star Trek', but I was fearful that your army of Klingon warriors might attack and shoot colourful laser rays at me, causing me to have to land on a planet inhabited by aliens who speak english and look exactly like humans apart from ripples on their nose while I perform plasma warp drive repairs.

[chief108]

From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 9.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: your a wanker

You must be fat and sad and ugly!


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.11pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: your a wanker

Thankyou Dick, I am touched by your concern for my health, happiness and social acceptance. I actually am not fat and would usually be described as a bit too skinny. I have been contemplating reverse liposuction, a technique where they basically transfer liquified body fat from one patient to another. Having looked on your profile and seen your photo, I was hoping we could help each other out here - I figure some of the fat from just one of your cheeks could help add many kilograms to my current body weight. I realise this would leave you a tad lopsided so if we take the fat from your other cheek we could sell it to the japanese. This commercial venture would effectively pay for the initial operation and save several whales in the process. I think you will have to agree this is a socially responsible course of action.

In regards to being sad, aren't we all from time to time? As I am sitting writing this on my laptop in bed while my girlfriend watches 'Family Guy' on the 52" plasma screen in her underwear, I cant help but think how much happier I would be if she was Brooke Satchwell, was wearing latex and we were in Bora Bora so i guess happiness being relative and on a comparative scale, you are correct.

As for being ugly, I am actually extremely attractive, with god like features and the body of a Calvin Klein underwear model, due to being born with what is termed the 'drop dead gorgeous gene' but I cant help feeling life would be much easier if I was indeed ugly. Hows it working out for you?



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: your a wanker

You think you are fucking clever. I am a primary teacher and the kids in my class write better than you moron! kiss my arse.


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.29pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Now I am actually horrified. My son is in primary school and I had the assumption that the adults I leave him in the care of would generally have a higher level of education than his. Just out of interest, can I ask if you have ever had sex with one of your students?



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.37pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

I teach 3rd grade deadshit


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.46pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

My question still stands.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Thursday 8 May 2008 4.58pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Suck my cock fuckhead


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 9 May 2008 6.03pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Thankyou Dick, I will take your offer of oral sex as a peace offering but will have to decline. While I appreciate the gesture, I am very much straight. I am flattered and even a little curious but feel it would be better if we refrained from giving in to desire at this stage of our relationship and besides, I would not want to risk doing anything that may damage our friendship - of which I have come to value very much.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Friday 9 May 2008 11.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

what? your an idiot im not gonna compete with an idiot anymore. burn in hell wanker not writing any more to you!


From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 10 May 2008 1.07pm
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: your a wanker

Compete? I wouldn't attempt such a foolhardy excersise such as competing with a mental giant as yourself. I am possibly the least competitive person I know and am in fact the current national loser in the 'Who is Least Competitive Championships' where trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Saturday 10 May 2008 4.40pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Fucken loser

Yeah your right you do lose. That was the biggest heap of shit i have eva readwhat was that even suposed to mean? dont emai me back you are an idiot.


From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 11 May 2008 11.13am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: I love you and want to touch your beard

I am very hurt by your comments Richard and I am not sure quite how to take them. Are you saying it is over? Through time and a series of expensive counseling sessions, I may see my way through it. If you would be interested in perhaps attending some of these sessions together, I believe we may resolve our differences. Its the little things isn't it Dick, the little things that you found cute in the beginning of our relationship have become the catalyst for this anger. I can change Dick. I can change for you. I love you Dick.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Monday 12 May 2008 10.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: faggot!

you are a fucken idiot!!! I dont have time to read you stupid shit. What are you even wriing to me for ? I think you are doing it just to annoy me fuckhead


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 12 May 2008 10.51am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: faggot!

I confess. You have caught me out Dick, alternative motives may have included 'using dick as entertainment', 'playing with dick' or even 'lets get dick heated ' but your super sleuth detective skills have once again outwitted me and centred in on the fundamental reason. Please find attached a cheque made out to you for a copy of your book 'Detective Dick's Deduction Dictionary'. I would also like to sign up to receive your monthly newsletter and please book me in for your course 'Deducing Dick'. If I use my credit card to purchase the full two half hour lessons will I receive the Sherlock Holmes style cap and curved wooden pipe at no added cost? I have my own magnifying glass. Sometimes I use it on ants. Not to cook them, just to warm them on cold days or get a little fire going for them.



From: Richard Matthews
Date: Monday 12 May 2008 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: faggot!

Stop messaging me


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 12 May 2008 11.22am
To: Richard Matthews
Subject: Re: Re: Re: faggot!

ok

[Tony]

meesterlijk

[chief108]

die gast is echt goed bezig met de tijd die hij teveel heeft